Rp paper for Roleplaying School

Seamus was bored today he had nothing to do but read his comics. Seamus sat on his bed trying to find something better then read Comics. He was staring at his nightstand he thought about going to get a smoothie he looked he looked he didnt have money in his pocket. Ok this wont work then he said. Seamus went downstairs to ask for money from his mom. Mom may i have money please. She handed him money he went to get a smoothie he sat down and drank the smoothie it was a boring day it was Saturday Afternoon around noon. He went to see if any surfing spots were open he walked up and down Main Street of Manhattan.

Seamus looked to see if any kids were at the skatepark in Central Park. He walked and looked i guess noone is there i guess. Today seems dead now said Seamus. Which it usually wasn't it was normally packed and crowed with people he looked at the stores they had very few people in them he just stared in the middle of the dark rode with no cars. He just sat down and thought a bit about stuff. He got his notebook out and wrote stuff down like pictures of machines. He looked to see if anyone was stalking him.

M’kay, So a general rewrite of your post:

Seamus was bored, he had nothing to do today but read his comics. He was sat on his bed staring at his nightstand as he tried to figure out something better to do. He thought about getting a smoothie, but when he checked he didn’t have enough money. ”Ok, this won’t work then,” He said.

Seamus went downstairs to find his mom so he could ask her for some money. ”Mom, please may I have some money?” His mom gave him the money he needed and he left the house to get his smoothie.



Once he had one he sat down and drank it. Though it was Saturday afternoon, just after lunch time, the streets were quiet and boring, so the boy moved on, looking for a good surfing spot as he walked down Manhattans Main Street.

As he walked he checked the skate park, but it was surprisingly empty. I guess no-body is out, he thought to himself. It’s all surprisingly dead. Normally the streets are packed with people wanting to look into stores. Yet today it’s empty.



Seamus sat down on the kerb of the street he was on, thinking quietly to himself as she looked around. Eventually boredom overtook the boy and he pulled his notebook and a pen out of his pocket and started drawing and writing about machines, looking up every so often to check if anyone was watching him.

*****

Okay, so that’s my rewrite. You need to use speech marks, try to colour your words when your character is speaking so we know that it’s your character and not anothers. You need to use different types of punctuation as the post seemed very boring and wooden.



Does anyone have any other comments?

ok

5 words OOC please, Seamus.

Yes, Seamus. That's another requirement for this site.